Feelings involved in attraction or relationship addiction

Many people confuse the feelings involved in attraction or relationship addiction, with the feelings involved in love. Attraction is the first part of growing toward a love relationship. I use the phrase "growing toward love" because the idea that any one "falls in love" is a fallacy. While attraction is an important part of a relationship it is only the beginning and cannot carry a relationship for a long time. We all change with time. Part of attraction is the adrenaline rush many confuse with love. That adrenaline rush can be addictive. A lasting relationship cannot be based on physical attraction or addiction to an adrenaline rush.

Our highly commercialized, capitalistic society has romanticized attraction to an extreme. When we buy into "their" music, TV, movies etc., "their" income increases. "They" are opportunistically trying to make money, while many (naively, sadly), believe "them". Yes, we know that, but are we always aware of how much we really buy into their psychological sales pitches and how deeply it affects us? Self awareness grows with practice.

Relationship addiction can easily be confused with love. A person can be addicted to another one without the awareness of being addicted. A lack of self awareness and self understanding leads a person into denial of his/her thoughts, feeling and behaviors. This can be misleading and confusing for the recipient of the addictive relationship behaviors. A few warning signs include;

*When a person seems to idolize the individual he/she claims they "love".

* If someone holds the person they claim to "love" responsible for their own life changing decisions. An example would be if someone quit college and then said it was because of the person they "love". This type of behavior is an abdication of personal responsibility. Its blame.

*When someone tries to fix or change the person they "love" physically or psychologically. They want the other to have plastic surgery to "perfect" their appearance or tell you, "I never want to see you without makeup on.", or insist they pick out the other person's clothes or tell them how to wear their hair.

*If the person believes that the other will change to be as they wish.

* When the relationship is very intense, dramatic.

* A person who defines ( and confuses), his/her wants with needs saying things such as "I can't live without you".

*When a person is unable to recognize the relationship has problems and that he/she is part of the problem. Often telling the other, "It's all in your mind."

*When a person is unable to be without a relationship at all, jumps from one relationship to another within a few months.

Dependency can also be confused with the love. When an individual feels that he/she cannot make it in the world without another person to help them, that is dependency. A dependent person usually has extremely low self-esteem and is very insecure. Indeed there is a mental health diagnosis called Dependent Personality Disorder. Any person with that disorder needs good therapy to help them recover from it.

Genuine love involves two relatively healthy people who are able to appreciate the attraction they have for one another, are aware that the attraction will fade and are able to do the personal work they need to do to nurture their attraction into love. This takes reasonable psychological health, self-awareness, and the ability make personal changes. Love is a choice and involves work that we choose to do daily.

Life often puts us in a position of having to make difficult choices. For instance, if two people who have been developing a love relationship, which began due to physical attraction, are in an accident and one person becomes maimed or disabled, the other person will have to make a difficult choice. A couple I knew were in an accident. The woman's face was badly disfigured. Although plastic surgery was helpful, she remained disfigured for the rest of her life. She and her husband were faced with the huge problem of whether or not they could live with this together. In the movie "Days of Wine and Roses" the man finally realizes that his wife is an alcoholic. He is faced with a painful choice and makes the decision to take their child and leave. Sometimes people need to choose to leave a relationship in order to protect themselves and others. Love cannot conquer all.

It is the healthy love of self that can help an individual choose to make the changes they need to make for themselves, in order to have a better life. When an individual is self-aware and working on their own personal growth they are more likely to attract others who are also working on themselves. Two people who are working on self-awareness and maturing as individuals, will be able to make a healthy decision about whether or not they can develop and continue a relationship.